I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
