Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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