Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
