so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
