Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
