Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
