Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
