Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
