Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
