The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
