Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
