I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
