I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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