He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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