She told me I should be a condom model.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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