matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My nipple is on Facebook.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
