Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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