So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I will pee on everything he values.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
