Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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