In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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