dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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