im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
