Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
