I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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