Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
