i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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