New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
