Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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