She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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