Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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