His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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