at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
