We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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