He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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