Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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