Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
