Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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