I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
