you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
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