just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
