Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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