Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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