I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
