I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
