it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
