my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
