My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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