I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
