You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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