This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
