After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
