you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
