U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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