You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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