I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
