Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
