I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
