the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
